i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
