i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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