Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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