After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
