I skipped work to stalk him.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
