I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
