tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Randomize
