My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize