She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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