just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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