You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
