Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
