I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she told me i tasted like america
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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