Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
