I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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