can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
