I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
