porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
