I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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