Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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