Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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