And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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