I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
