I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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