If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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