Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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