We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
