I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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