it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
