i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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