I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
