hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
