yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
