she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
