I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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