Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
