Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
