just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
