There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
