wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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