Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize