I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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