I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
