Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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