Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
