My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
