While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have fence marks all over my body
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
