ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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