My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize