and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Holy shit dude........stairs
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
