You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
