I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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