Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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