Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
