Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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